If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you And deliver some things just inside your front door Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure. Then restore the old color that once graced your hair Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted So things now suspended need not be uplifted. I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose. Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take. And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache. Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle. But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when so mebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
Every time someone sends this one to me I can't stop laughing. I hope you like!!
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle It under the arms. Well, Lena gets hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! > I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. > AWESOME!!! > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,right? > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. > I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. > I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? > IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. > Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! > P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! > 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket. 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry). 12. A bubble bath. 13. Giggling. 15. The beach. 16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.. 17. Laughing at yourself. 18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you 19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. 23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS 24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 28. Playing with a new puppy. 29. Having someone play with your hair. 30. Sweet dreams. 31. Hot chocolate. 32. Road trips with friends. 33. Swinging on swings. 34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 35. Making chocolate chip cookies. 36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 37. Holding hands with someone you care about. 38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 40. Watching the sunrise. 41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 42. Knowing that somebody misses you. 43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.. 44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . ... walked home . and left it there all night. You gotta love people like Henry.
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jenn ifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the can opener. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the can opener from the house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the can opener. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ca n opener by NOW! Love, Mom
Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine less, Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesen't stop you from being the best. Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming. Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running. Just because no one has realized how much of a woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your femininity. Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality. Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs. Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life isn't always fair. Just because God is still preparing your King, doesn't mean that you are not a Queen Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.
This was sent to me a long time ago and every now and then I need to share it with all the ladies that are feeling a little down. Keep the faith ladies...
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wr od are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
This was sent to me this morning and I had to share it with all of you. I'm at this stage in my life and it feels so good to finally like who I am. Keep smiling everyone.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set . They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
I'm usually very good at being alone, 99% of the time I like it that way. But for some reason today is one of those days where I could really use a nice big HUG...I'm feeling very lonely tonight....
Well thanks for my little vent. Tomorrow I'll be back to my wonderful smiling self.
A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.' The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative aid, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence..... and close behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified...so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
'Your card! Your card! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. (Does this sound like anyone you might know???)
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times..
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos, plus 9 cuckoos. equals 12 cuckoos, MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem bothered in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table .... The End
What is everyone reading this month?? I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, also doing the class with Tolle and Oprah. OMG it is such an enlighting book, so many ah ha moments for me. It's one of those books that I will be reading more then once.
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" I surely did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than (women)!!!
